i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Holy sore nipples Batman
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
