So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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