Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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