I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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