I wish my penis had an off switch
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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