Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
