Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
