I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize