im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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