Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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