party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
