theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i want to swaddle you in tequila
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
