Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
