You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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