i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
