What tipped you off? The sombrero?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
