naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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