My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
