When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
