Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize