I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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