HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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