I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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