I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
