just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
