Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Your penis caused this!
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