you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
