3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
