Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
