3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
