Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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