I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize