I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Having a random hookup so left but love u
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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