I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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