you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
