I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
