don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just puked most of my soul out..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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