I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I am naked and annoyed.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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