I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
