Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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