Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We need to feng shui this bitch.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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