first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize