he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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