I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think people are normalizing furries
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
