batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
