Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
