So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
