Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
