Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Less talking, more tequila
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
