I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
