I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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