It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
