Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
