So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
