So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize