turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize