We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
