Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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