see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
