don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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