Already got asked if we're dating
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
