How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
